


facing west

by weatheredlaw



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatheredlaw/pseuds/weatheredlaw
Summary: Davenport is having trouble saying the things that matter (i miss you, i missed you, i loved you, i love you) --(the sea is calling, and so. he goes.)





	facing west

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mildlydiscouraging](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mildlydiscouraging/gifts).



> special shoutout to mildlydiscouraging (@moonfullofstars on tumblr) for their spectacular fic [ebb and flow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12055716) which got me to finish my first davenchurch fic and get it out there into the world! title and lyrics from "facing west" by the staves.

_A room with a window facing west_  
_Towards the sea_  
_You, with your hands across your chest_  
_Facing me_

 

* * *

 

It was the one thing they just weren't talking about. As much as Davenport wanted to open his mouth and _howl_ , just to hear himself – he couldn't say what he wanted to say.

( _i missed you._ )

So he did what he was supposed to do, and that's deliver his girl on her last mission. He's _Captain_ Davenport. When the IPRE needed someone to fly their top of the line ship on a top of the line mission, he was the first person they asked, because he was the _best._

Hell, he still was, he realized, as Lucretia's voice pitched higher and higher, as the ship careened and looped through holes in the world punched through by the hunger. Davenport did what he was born to do.

And after that –

they still didn't talk about it.

 

* * *

 

Made sense, he figured.

Merle was busy.

He sat in Lucretia's office trying to figure out if he even belonged here when he realized she was standing in the doorway, watching.

“...Davenport.”

“I don't know what to do.” She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. “Please,” he said. “Don't...don't apologize to me anymore. It wasn't your fault.”

“I did this to you.”

“No.” He turned to her. “You did what you thought was right. You could have left me anywhere, but you made sure I was safe. I'll always be grateful for that.” He took her hand. “Enough punishing yourself. Swear it.”

Lucretia sighed. “I swear.”

“Good.” He let go and straightened. Since remembering himself, it was hard to let go of the man he used to be. He found himself giving orders without realizing it, felt his fingers twitch to grab hold of something and _conduct_ , to pilot, drive, _anything._

“Davenport?”

“...Sorry. Just...thinking.”

“Of course.” Lucretia sat behind her desk and set about sorting through her papers. “Perhaps you should take some time away.”

“I considered it.”

“Did you?”

He nodded. “Thought about...buying a boat.”

Lucretia stopped. “A _boat._ ”

“Yeah. Thought about...sailing.”

She smiled. “I think that would be lovely, captain.” Davenport grinned and settled into the chair in front of her desk. He felt better, now. Saying it out loud meant something. Made it real. “Have you spoken to Merle?”

“...No.” Then, “He's busy, you know that.”

Lucretia shrugged. “He's never too busy for the people he cares about.” She took a quill and signed her name across a document. “You know this, perhaps better than anyone.”

“It's not important.”

“I disagree.”

He sighed. “I thought you might.”

Lucretia set down her quill and leaned back in her chair, focusing on him. “Are you going to pretend it never happened then?” Davenport made a noise. “It won't end well, if you do.”

“It doesn't have to start,” he said.

“...I suppose not.” Lucretia leaned forward and picked up her quill again. She was busy, and he was in her way. Just like always. He stood. “You don't have to leave.”

“No. You need space.”

“I've never needed space when you were around.”

“Yeah, well, I was pretty much useless these last years--”

“Before that,” she said. “We were good friends, on the ship.”

Davenport smiled, remembering their early breakfasts together, and their shared proclivity for quiet spaces and old libraries. How impressed he'd been the year she took care of the ship, how he showed her what else to do and how to pilot it. How she'd learned so much. She'd been so _young_ then. He realized what all this had done to her, and went around to her chair to embrace her.

Lucretia leaned into it, and kissed his temple. “I've missed you,” she said.

“Yeah.” He closed his eyes. “Me, too.”

 

* * *

 

“-- _probably violates every single piece of protocol--”_

“ _We're on the run from a plane-eater,” Merle said with a chuckle. How much wine had been poured between them? Why was he...handsome? Well, perhaps he'd always been. “Come on, you can tell me.”_

“ _...It's embarrassing.”_

“ _Ha! I've got the gold medal in embarrassing shit, so try me.”_

_Davenport sighed. “It was just once,” he said. “In flight school. My...boyfriend at the time, I suppose. He wanted to see the ship I was test flying in.” He felt his cheeks go pink. “Anyway. You said you'd go if I did.” He drained his wine only to find Merle refilling the glass. “Most, ah, thrilling rendezvous, Highchurch.”_

_Merle smiled, somehow coyly. How could he even manage it? He leaned forward and he was suddenly in Davenport's space, rather close and sharing his air. Davenport licked his lips. Swallowed._

“ _This one, I think.”_

“ _But we're not--”_

“ _No,” Merle said, and pulled back. “But we could be.” He looked at the empty bottle between them “Looks like we're out.” He stood. “I'll go get some more.” He paused. “Ball's in your court, cap.”_

 

* * *

 

Every time they were together, it was to purposefully and flagrantly violate every rule about interpersonal relationships that Davenport had been grilled on in training.

You never gave a subordinate a gift, but he gave them to Merle all the time.

You never _accepted_ a gift from a subordinate, but Merle couldn't seem to help himself.

You never spent more than thirty minutes alone with a subordinate, but he and Merle could spend _hours_ together, and it just...felt _right._

You never did any of these things because you didn't want anyone to think another subordinate was your favorite, but – everyone _knew._

Everyone knew what Davenport _wanted._ Everyone knew who Merle had eyes for.

Everyone knew where they were when no one could seem to find them.

And it never mattered.

Lup gave him double high fives. Taako made pancakes. Magnus's eyebrows telegraphed so hard they almost rolled off his head. Barry was professional, but his cheeks always went pink whenever Lup loudly proclaimed that it was only fair that the two foxy uncles of the ship get it on.

And Lucretia –

She smiled, gave him a cup of tea, and went about her business.

It was all...just right. Davenport remembered those days with warmth and love.

God, he'd _loved_ Merle, he realized.

Had he said it? That particular memory escaped him.

( _i miss you._ )

Some things were still coming back to him. The sudden memory of Magnus dying so often, how it gutted him. The memory of the Hunger chasing them, and how it _terrified_ him in a way he couldn't even show.

Not outright.

Not to everyone.

 

* * *

 

“ _You aren't weak.”_

“ _I shouldn't feel this way. Enemy pursuit is natural in war!”_

_Merle snorted. “You think this is a war?”_

“ _If it isn't then what, Merle? What?”_

“ _We're surviving! Can't you focus on that?”_

_Davenport felt his hands tremble. “I cannot let them see me falter. I'm their captain.”_

“ _You let them see us together, you let them see you laugh, you let them see you do everything else, but they can't see you be afraid?”_

“ _No.”_

“ _What is that, then? Another of your protocols?” Merle asked._

_Davenport swallowed. “...Yes.”_

“ _To hell with your protocols.” Merle crossed the room and suddenly –_

_Davenport felt his hands cup his cheeks._

“ _You're the best damn pilot in the universe. In every universe. You're the bravest man I've ever met. There is no rule that can hold you back from being exactly who you are. And part of who you are is afraid of the thing that's trying to kill us. And that's totally and completely fair. You should know that. You should be okay with that.”_

_Davenport pulled back. “That isn't how it works. Just because you play fast and loose--”_

“ _There aren't any rules to follow here!”_

“ _It's not about the rules!” Davenport snarled. “It's about who I_ am _ **.** And who I am is...is their captain. Your captain.” He clenched his fish. “This mission is all I have left.”_

_The second the words left his mouth he regretted them._

“ _Shit. Shit, Merle.”_

“ _Hey. I get it.”_

“ _Merle, wait--”_

“ _Wait for what?” He stood there, unmoving. “I'm not going anywhere.” He chuckled. “Where the hell am I gonna go? Besides.” He cupped Davenport's cheek again. “If the mission comes first, then that's okay. I don't mind being second to something like that.” And then he kissed him. Davenport sometimes...forgot, that Merle could be so damn disarming. He pulled back. “You can be first enough with me for the both of us.”_

 

* * *

 

_Sing me a song, your voice is like silver and_  
_I don't think that I can do this anymore_  
_Show me the path down to the shoreline 'cause_  
_I don't know if I can do this anymore_

 

* * *

Did he resent him, for that? Maybe that's why Merle didn't bring it up. Maybe he remembered and decided he didn't want to go through all that again.

Be with someone who would never understand how to put anyone or anything else before duty.

Was that his problem? Was he _so bad_ at this? He couldn't have been, really. He'd...he'd gotten Merle, after all. Lucretia loved him. Magnus insisted on going out for a drink whenever they could.

( _i miss you._ )

He stood at the docks later that month and shook hands with the man he'd just given an unsightly amount of gold to in exchange for this...boat. She wasn't too big, not too small. She was called the _Darling_ , and that...seemed just right.

“Hello, darlin',” he said quietly, putting his hand on the side of her and closing his eyes. He missed flying. Missed it more than anything.

Almost more than any _one_.

He sighed and climbed the ramp into the boat, set about cleaning her up and getting her ready for sea.

 

* * *

 

“ _I was almost a sailor,” Davenport said quietly. They lay on their backs on the deck of the Star Blaster, watching the sky shift and change above. This world's stars seemed to move fast, but Barry said it was an illusion. The planet they were on had a swift orbit. Something like that. Davenport wasn't a scientist._

“ _You'd be a good sailor,” Merle said, rather soothingly. He seemed to know what sort of tone to take._

_Davenport sat up. “Hey. Don't...don't parley again. Not this year.”_

_Merle looked at him. “I should,” he said. “Soon.”_

“ _Don't, though.” Now they were both sitting up. Merle put his hands on his knees. Davenport sighed. “Sorry.”_

“ _It's okay.”_

“ _It's just...you_ die _and then you're not here. That's...hard.” He felt Merle's hands slide into his own, and they sat like that that for a long time._

_But he couldn't say it._

_(i miss you)_

_Not then._

_Not...ever._

 

* * *

 

Someone gave a low whistle behind him. “Oh captain my _captain._ ”

Davenport turned. “Hey, Lup. Shouldn't you be working?”

She shrugged. “Lucretia said you were taking off soon. Thought I'd come and check out the Star Blaster 2.0.” She brushed a hand along the side. “ _Darling_ , huh?”

“That's how I found her.”

“It's good.” Lup smiled. “It fits.” She walked up the ramp and turned. “You need to talk to Merle before you go.”

Davenport scowled. “Why is _everyone_ so concerned about who I talk to, huh?”

Lup looked...sad, then. Her entire body seemed to slouch. She went down the ramp and stepped close to him, reaching down to take his hands. Davenport looked up at her.

“You're our captain,” she said. “You're _ours._ We love you.” And then she dropped to her knees and embraced him. “You were happy with him, once. We all got what we worked for. I just don't want to see you miss out.”

 

* * *

 

The house in Bottlenose Cove was still being built. It wasn't anything too fancy, Merle wouldn't stand for anything like that. Davenport could see him at a little makeshift desk in the sand, laughing with some workers and signing off on a few things. Being an earl seemed to suit him.

Davenport waited for the space to clear, and then made himself known.

“Hey, Merle.”

Merle looked up. He _grinned._

“ _There_ you are!” He stood and grabbed Davenport up, spun him around. “You gotta stop doing that _stayin' away_ thing, bud.” Merle chuckled. “You want some coffee? Got a nice set-up under this tree over here.”

“Sure, Merle.”

They walked through the sand to the little table under a tree. Merle poured him a cup and they sat in a couple of wooden chairs and looked out onto the ocean.

“Heard you were sailin' soon.”

“Bought a boat.”

Merle chuckled. “You always wanted that.”

“I did. Finally got there.”

Merle looked over and smiled. “That's good. I'm happy for you.”

They sat in silence for a bit, watching the waves crash onto the shore. Davenport had so much to say –

( _i'll miss you_ )

( _i've missed you_ )

( _i'm sorry_ )

He felt Merle's hand slip into his.

“We don't have to talk about it,” Merle said. “We don't even have to pick up where we left off. It's just...nice. To have you back.” Merle took a sip of his coffee. “Missed you.”

God, how could people just _say it?_ How could people _say these things?_ Davenport had been completely incapable of that sort of expression _before_ he'd been reduced to three syllables. How could Lucretia and Magnus and Lup and even _Taako_ express these things to him and all he could do was – sit. Stare.

“Hey.” Merle's hand gripped his tighter.

Davenport was trembling.

“I don't know how to _do this._ I don't...everything I was, the person I was--” He took a shaky breath, and watched something splash into his coffee. God was he _crying?_ “I remember all of it, but it's like it happened to someone else. And I remember us and I can't figure out who _that man_ was, the one who...who--” He swallowed. “Who _loved_ you.” Davenport looked over. Merle was crying now, and they must have been a sight there, barefoot and clinging to one another, still holding their _coffee_ , of all things. “I never said it, _I never said it_ , how could you--”

“I knew,” Merle said quietly. “You didn't have to. I knew.”

“You're better than that, though. You should have heard it from you. You...you should have been _first_ , Merle. I should have put you first.” Davenport took another trembling breath. “And now I'm running away.”

“You're not.” Merle gestured out to the sea. “You're getting your bearings. This world's...a strange to ya.” He glanced over. “Understand it, and I swear, you'll feel like your old self again.”

Davenport chuckled. “That's the thing, though.” He looked right at Merle. “I don't want to be just like my old self. I want to be...new. Better.”

Merle smiled. “Then that's what you'll be.”

 

* * *

 

He said goodbye, and he finally – _finally, finally, finally_ – said what he wanted to say.

“I missed you.”

Merle kissed his forehead. “I missed you, too.”

“I _will_ miss you. Out there.”

“I should damn well hope so.”

The two grinned at one another. Davenport sighed. “But I'll be back.”

“You will.”

“And I'll write.”

Merle ducked and kissed him quick on the lips. “I'm lookin' forward to it.”

Davenport stepped back. There was just...one more thing. One more thing to say.

“Merle?”

“Yeah?”

“I did love you. All that time. And...I still do.”

 

* * *

 

 


End file.
